Loss and Love

Written by Deyanira Villalta

The human experience is a series of loss and love. They are an essential part of our development and growth. They are part of our individual stories of triumph. What we do for love will either succeed or fail. It is our greatest joy and the most significant pain. In our society, and I dare even argue all cultures, we mourn the loss of a loved one differently.

It is a lonely state of mind. Even when more than one of us experience the same loss, we mourn that loss uniquely.

Sorrow (Women by the Table, Crying Woman)
painting by Jozsef Rippl-Ronai

We have to be there for each other. We cannot do it alone even though the loss is individually felt. We have to support each other. We have to keep our friends and family, that are left to live, on the path of life. It is all too easy to slow down and not recognize when our lives become stagnant. We have to be there for each other. 

I find it counterintuitive to let a person wrap themselves in their loss, for too long. They can do that for a while, and experience a sense of comfort in holding on to the person or persons that left them. But, the rest of us watching cannot let that go on for too long. Our friend will be much more upset that we watched it happen than if we pushed along and helped them go through the growing pain of moving forward. 

I acknowledge my point of view may appear to have a hard line, but it doesn’t. We feel what we feel until we no longer feel it anymore. Our strong senses and feelings ought not to keep us from living and surviving. This is where my concern is - on surviving the loss of a person and relationship. 

My own experience of losing a relationship is not the same as losing a loved one, yet still as painful and confusing. There was a time when I was unable to sleep and think and even relate well with others. But, I couldn't mourn in stillness. I had to keep moving. I had to keep working. I had to keep attending university classes. I had to endure a different hardship, which is to face the world and all the responsibilities while carrying a heavy bag of sadness and confusion.

Our lives atrophy the way muscles do when we don’t use them. I am stronger today because of pushing through and experiencing the pain of growth of coming out of the otherside of loss. For my friend, leaving the darkness behind does not in any way take away from the life lived together before she lost the love of her life. It is through living and surviving that she honors her lost loved one. Maybe, that is what seems counterintuitive from her point of view. She'll feel deep sorrow as I do, and we all do, but that doesn't mean we let go. We aren't leaving anything behind. We are surviving a loss. 

Dear reader, I’m interested in your thoughts on the topic of loss and love. There isn't a set time frame to mourn, but we must not let others stop living. How have you experienced it?